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i was scanning my college days photographs ......i started recalling my initial days of college .first year of engineering. life was so different at that time . memories of ragging, engineering drawing ,civil practicals,group task,hostel life ,bad food ,new friends,crushes,at the same time there was something which i dont want to recall and once the college gets over i was happy that somethings will come to an end
this blog is about a friend of mine ...who has been one of my good friends then changed to be the best friend of mine, then eventually into a not so very good pal and finally ending with a very bad note.Yes, my once best friend turned foe in these four years . Thats what has been my college life. no matter how much I tried covering up. this was the truth that we are not friends now and what left between us is the silence.
i was happy that there wont be anymore confrontations, no more uncomfortable glares, no more negative vibes. It has finally come to an end. I wonder how in such a short span of time, a good friendship can brittle into insignificant pieces of distrust and hate. I wonder how two people, who at one point of time were the best they could understand each other suddenly turn the worst enemies one can deal with. is this so called friendship a farce?
No. and Im pretty confident about it since I have people, who have stood against me through thick and thin. then what is it that almost blurred my college life.

I realised that may be this is what we call as living alternate lives. May be my sour friendship was ment to be sour no matter how much I try and safegaurd it. Certainly at that time i was incapable of judging whats good and whats bad for me, but what I do feel as years passby that they defintly have the capability to mend broken relations. which I badly failed. All those unanswered questions still remain unanswered. because at no condition neither he nor I would be in a condition to reason them. in that way guess goodbye is the only way sometimes!

It has been long that Iv dreamt, how good it would have been if we could still pull each others leg and joke about each others tantrums, how good it would have been if still we could have argued over nonsensical discussions regarding why girls are better than boys, how good it wud have been if we both cud have had that anti soda and discussing life, how good it wud have been if we both cud have just talked!
As said somethings are better left forgotten, I hope someday I would fathom what is that one mistake that bridge two people so far that they never can face each other. so that in future I would never leave myself with unanswered questions. so that I would never lose on all those who someday meant to me more than anything.

All those memories of us together ....... are just memories. and how I still wonder that whether I should cherish that golden past or live this hurt felt present!

" hope you reach for the stars" we scribbled on to some piece of paper when we both were best of buddies.

As yesterday, even today I hope the same for him.

in the loop

Ever since i became weird i remember i kept on entangling myself in "the loop".
the question is why?
and the answer is more simpler..
Iv been trying to get everything and anything that life offered me....nd my desires knew no bounds.
one after the other i kept on getting deeper and deeper inside "the loop"

sometimes letting people know that Im not actually what they think of me...

Sometimes holding on to past so badly that few special moments which "every sane person" would call special, dont fly by..

Sometimes just waiting to happen something good....

and one after the other i got deeper n deeper n deeper.

And now after whole 5 years I have an opinion about this feeling which im sure many share...

Cut the Loop, Break Free!

Stop waiting for life to happen, make life happen.
Stop wait to let people understand, Give a Damn.
Stop living the "past", live the "present".

In short know that to "you", till you die, "you" will remain the most important person to yourself. with ofcourse exception to all those people you refer as "close"

A Loop has no end, One has to cut the chord and live beyond boundaries.



Choose, before others leave no option for you!

memories......

am feeling slightly blue this morning. missing a friend of mine who's gone away to, well, a 'place of no return'. hehehe. by that i mean the big U.S. of A. most people are lying when they say that they'll come back from the US. because most people can't come back from 'the land of opportunity'. especially back to a country like india, where u have to fight for every bit of ur share of ur rights.

this friend was a really good friend of mine. don't know if i can call him one of my closest friends so let's leave it at that, a really good friend. i used to get along so brilliantly with him. he was the person with whom i used to talk about the silliest things in the world. miss all the crazy conversations we used to have. maybe its just me but i got the feeling that he sort of drifted away a little bit right before he left. don't know whether it was concious or..i don't know....it doesn't even matter.

i remember feeling quite disoriented for a period of time right before college. everything was different. things weren't in my control anymore. life was, in a sense, 'spiralling out of control'. that sounds terribly melodramatic, but that was the way i felt then.

i don't feel the same any longer. but things are different. i'm no longer in that coccoon of security i was in a couple of months back. college is screwing me bad(partially my fault coz i'm not studying), and my friends arent with me anymore(i'm talking strictly in the phyiscal sense, that they arent around everyday).

yeah i know i know this is a phase. i'm gonna make friends in collge, i'll get used to studying blah blah blah. but it won't be the same. its like stepping into someone else's life, and starting again from scratch. and that is the part which is the most discomfitting. the fact that my life till two months back will have no connection whatsoever with my new life. and also terribly sad.

these are not just books........mah life

As i was packing my bags for going to hostel...dere were numerous thoughts dat crossed my mind with d speed of light- Friends, home,ti ,poha jalebi.,sgsits, Books, Notes, Collection of Movies, reliance to reliance free calling,cat preparation,test preparation,dance parties ,and d list is just endless..i cn go on n on

Finally i decided to take all my books along...i m a bit posessive about dem...i may never ever read dem again, bt i love my books...yeah dats strange...bt i do.The books i m referring to here were mostly d ones which had seen light only during late nite sessions of study during exam time when dey had to suffer being put in all ackward positions and sometimes i even slept on them.That ws d tym wen i n everyone else wanted to get rid of books asap...waiting despratley for exams to end so dat dey could be bidden farewell and we all could njoy d party!

But realising dat their time is over and i may not need dese books nemore makes me emotional about dem to an extent dat i carry many of them frm indore to nagpur n dats quite an exercise, dat 2 a tough one!!! They remind me of the times wen these particular books had significance...D time i cooked up every excuse to stay away from a particular book or how i could not get a single word wt ws written in it until d last day of d exam or how i managed to complete an assignment...all copy-paste done from d book!
Just as i managed to pack all my books in a big large bag,which was already as heavy as my heart since it was time to finally leave indore....i found one of my notebooks staring at me from behind the pile of books. It was noticible, coz notebooks r the rarer species dese days...All d books and photocopied notes from other books, e-boooks and of course God Google r more noticible and notebooks r becoming extinct...Dere diminishing numbers day by day forced me to grab d one i had just seen, n open it to examine its contents. It was d latest one i had, wid 5th sem engineering on it below my Good name...Nostalgia returned as soon as i saw dose words...memories and more memories...and i thought i dare not open it for d fear of my eyes already feeling wet.

But i m nt much afraid of tears and i allow dem to flow freely. Overcoming d initial reluctance, i opened it. It had five partitions for 5 subjects,200 pages in all. I had tried to take down notes during classes during the initial days of the semster,,, but as d 1st two weeks were coming to an end...dis notebook had turned into a more of a fun resource during boring lectures...All it had was comments about other people's hair styles and dress,some latest gossip tit bits, comments on how boring dis lecture was...dat i could teach better dan wt d lecturer was doing, queries about how much time was left,,,or some imp pieces of info dat had to be delivered to shikha dis very moment coz i could nt wait for d class to end...
Dat unimportant notebook i used during d 5th sem suddenly was something i wanted so badly to take wid me...it had so many strings of memories attached to it...it had taken me back memory lane as soon as i saw d cover page..n wt effect when i flipped through the pages...day to day events were unfolding behind my eyes as i turned the pages...dat sound of flipping the pages was a familiar one...even it had a musical effect to my ears now and to my amusement it was naratting my own story !!!

Finally i managed to squeeze it into my already overloaded bag...and here it is right now,,,,lying on my lap...reminding me of d good ol days...

best friends......

People Always Leave” … “But sometimes they come back”.


I am not sure if they do. We had been best friends for about 10 years. Our relationship was marked by the best of greeting cards and friendship bands on friendship day (I remember she used to keep aside the best one for me :)), unending phone calls talking about just everything possible; regular messages; constant giggles in the classroom; birthday nights and outings spent together. There was probably no reason we could fight over. My thinking matched hers. We were very much similar…sharing the same set of emotional ups and downs. I always thought the phrase ‘Friends For Life’ was meant for us.

That was for 1o years.
Today our relationship is almost lost. Our thoughts and principles do not match. An ego is there between our friendship.No more outings. No more cards. We hardly exchange text messages. And even if we do, they are just the forwarded ones. Once in a while I get these messages from her that leave me wondering if that particular message is intended to make me feel guilty.
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
I am not sure if I would ever agree with this statement.
Does it mean a friend has to support your moves even when you are going the wrong way?

A friend is one who brings out the best in you, not the one who blindly gives you the nod at everything you do. I dint walk out of her world though. i just want her best but she dont want to understand me...

Despite everything, I still have that soft corner for her and will always have for shez best friend of mine. I just hope it doesn’t turn out to be one of those out of sight, out of mind relationships. i am waiting one day she will come back........................

telepathy ???

Believe in telepathy? I do.
It has worked between my masi and me. When I think of calling her up, I get her call before I can even start to dial the number. Its amusing and nice. The reverse has also happened many times. Only many times.
But there is one person with whom it works out everytime. Let's call him A.
A and I have been friends for 6 years now. Ever since we became friends, I have noticed that I get a call from him everytime my mood is messed up badly.
One tear in my eye and my phone rings. His call. It feels like I'm being watched. He himself has never been the reason for my messed up mood, till we were together that is. We later uh.. had to go our separate ways .......but kept in touch and remained good friends. We kept in touch less often than earlier, obviously, but even then, everytime I was low, that phone call never failed to come.
I've been in my not so happy moods of mine for sometime..This time, I'd have preferred not to get that phone call. But the phone rang, just when I was feeling horribly lonely. It was A. He asked about my health, life (!!!), people in my life (yeah he knows them all), asked me when I was free to meet him. For once, this attempt of his to comfort me was very unwelcome. And I am in no mood to meet him even if it means having good company for a while. My college friends can be good company too. I am not looking for replacements dammit! Uh.. I'm just being wary, ok?
Nevertheless, it remains a mystery. How does he come to know each time that I am low? He did it once when I was all tears after a bad argument with a close friend, when my professor scold me for project , when I once felt like trash,cat exam nd results, makes me all nervous and tensed... uncountable instances when he has sensed me sulking. How? Just how does that happen?

smile.:)

Smooth wide road has beautiful trees along it. Trees with yellow leaves.
Trees planted at equal distances, and it seemed they have grown
all in a symmetry. When you see the road ahead,
through the yellow leaves you see the light blue sky.
It has paths built along the road, for people to walk.
The college is all full of colours. Somewhere with flowers and leaves,
and at places wit vibrant students.
She walks on the path along the road. She walks with firm steps.
A face as charming and fresh as dew drops on petals. But the face
carries an air on it too. Air that is different from the air outside it.Air which defines a new ,
her own world inside it.She carries a backpack and her hair are tied firmly. Right behind her
is a guy walking. He is trying to catch up with her. Finally he reaches,and walks right along her.
He: "So which department teaches you to carry attitude like this?"
She:" Which department teaches you to poke your nose in other's business?"
He: " Engineering, Computer engineering.
They have nothing to teach us, so I poke my nose like this."
She: " But they certainly teach us how to poke clip noses which poke in to much."
He: "What a pleasure it would be for my nose,
if you do it with your hands."
She: "I am not impressed with you shooters,
if that is what you are trying to do."
He: " I know that well, So I am not trying."
(with a straight face) " Coffee?"
She: " Thank you! But I can have it on my own."
He: " Sure...me too! I would just sit along you."
" And did I tell you are really more beautiful than you actually think you are.."
She: " And did I tell you are not as smart as you think you are."
He: "Am I much more than that too.."
(shrugs)
She: ( Looks...)
(Raises her eyebrow)..................

......(And suddenly, out of nowhere, SMILES! A wide smile)